14) Dances of our relationships

 

A Series of "short introductions" to Mental Health.

 By Peter Thompson Dip.Couns. MNCPS (Acc.)

 14)  DANCES OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS

 

I have had the pleasure of working with numerous couples and most have chosen counselling because they were trying to rescue their relationship.

 The problem is whether we are in a relationship or living as an individual, things in life change us, often without us even noticing. And this causes us to change how we process our feelings and thoughts.

 The way we react to things, the ways we react to each other as well as those outside our “couple bubble”. Our tolerances. Our sense of humour even our emotional connection to each other. Be it by one or both.

Either party can become disinterested in previously enjoyable pastimes but still take part because “it’s what we do” or they “don’t want to let the other down”.

 These changes to a person can come about for various reasons. Some can be quite open and obvious like as a reaction to a serious life changing surgery or event. Or an overzealous fascination with a new hobby. One or both might become involved in a committee or society and take on some time-consuming volunteer work. Which leads to them not spending as much time together.

 Unfortunately, some couples lose that spark of connection that may have once been present and one or both can lose their Libido and find it difficult to approach the subject for intimate conversation. It all becomes to much trouble.

 One of the couple, may seem to have become less interested in playing their part and seemingly become lazy and closed off.

 One of the amazing things I find is that these changes are often allowed to come about. They are given space to exist, without any real conversation between the couple concerning what’s happening.

 THIS BECOMES A DANGER AREA ESPECIALLY IF ONE OR BOTH BEGIN TO ACCEPT ATTENTION FROM ELSEWHERE……..

 

What is it? Cos I really don’t know how people that once thought the world of each other and however many years later, somewhere they stopped talking about the important stuff.

And I don’t just mean the bills and the kids. Or the car Service and the garden.

NO! I mean important things that connect each other and make life real.

The bloke at the shop that annoyed me.

The whole that’s appeared in my shoe.

That new film that’s come out.

Ooh I listened to Classic FM today for a change.

Why do we have the TV on when neither of us are watching it.

Their relationship.

 

WHY ARE THESE SEEMINGLY INOCUOUS LINES OF CONVERSATION SO IMPORTANT?

BECAUSE THEY SOLICIT A RESPONSE OF INTEREST.

 

If a relationship becomes “stale” the participants have become used to the DANCE of the relationship.

They follow paths of least resistance to not rock the boat. But why?

 So, we follow patterns of behaviour that we play out time and time again not because we enjoy it but because it means we don’t have to think.

Because both parties know how it plays out and what the outcome will be. Win, lose or draw. But they won’t attempt to bring about change because what has always existed is what they know and is therefore paradoxically safe. So however uncomfortable the outcome they feel in some form of comfort zone.

 

EXAMPLE i) – Participant A begins the annual discussion that is the same every year at this time and is one of the rare times something is made open for discussion.. “Where shall we go this year?”

But it is felt by Participant B that there is no point responding in any positive manner because A enjoys going where you always end up going and so B is “making them happy”. Although throughout the whole holiday A is stifling tears because B has clammed up and is making it miserable. AGAIN. The same dance steps are repeated in the build-up and during the holiday. Where very little joy is experienced and the relaxing comfort to be gained from the vacation is lost to anger, bitterness, and sadness. But neither can communicate these feelings, so on a few occasions’ arguments flare up between them making things even worse.

Then on returning from such a doomed holiday the resentment remains and festers in the relationship and communication becomes even worse.

 

EXAMPLE ii) – Participant A says, “Do you want to come shopping?” Participant B would sooner remain with the book they’re reading or the fence they’re painting but for fear of challenging the norm of them always shopping together B gets changed and accompanies A to the shops. Although outwardly remaining pleasant and unperturbed B really does not want to be in town and can’t stand the bustle of it all. Which in turn creates a negative change to their mood.  All the time in B’s mind is the report that he must provide his boss with on Monday morning that they are so very anxious about. And anxiety has been eating away at their behaviour for years but as far as they’re concerned A is totally unaware of it.

Meanwhile A always asks B to join them on a trip out because they have picked up on the mood swings and quietness of B for years now and tries to alleviate the unspoken pressure by getting them out together.

 

ASK YOURSELF WHAT ARE THE DANCE STEPS IN THESE EXAMPLES?

 HOW AND WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE THE DANCE STEPS?

 

It never fails to amaze me just how little some couples actually know each other.

There’s been times where I’ve reintroduced couples to the art of conversation and quite literally it's made all the difference. Because years have gone by with them only communicating on a superficial level and not daring to re-establish their lost connection.

On occasion they may find that there was never any deep connection just a desire to keep others happy by doing what was expected of them.

 

One of the first things that I warn clients is that they must remain aware of the changes that they are making to themselves whilst also being aware of how others may perceive them. This is especially true when working with a couple.

The changes that they each will bring to themselves for their own good may no longer be what the other person wants from them. Again, another reason for sticking to the dance steps for fear of a forced change.

 But when you enter a counselling relationship be it as a couple or an individual you undertake to enter with a constructive view towards improving your personal wellbeing. And thus, changing the steps you take in the dance the question being asked by each is “Shall we learn a new dance that is more enjoyable together?”

It takes courage to be first to change the steps and combined trust to learn a new dance in a relationship. Just as it takes courage to recognise if it’s a dance that isn’t for you. But if a relationship has become tired yet there is still a desire from both, then talking to each other about your relationship is the first step of the new dance, and then together you can develop all the future moves.

Unfortunately, if only one wants to make the change then questions need to be asked of each other and honesty must prevail for the wellbeing of each individual.

I always commence Couples work by asking them why they have decided to attend. When both tell me it’s because they want to save the relationship I point out what a positive we are beginning on and that we obviously have a good foundation for all our future work however difficult it may be at times.

 

I confess that every time I finish working with a couple I shut the door and say to myself “never again”.

But then without fail I will accept another without hesitation. It doesn’t always work out how Mills & Boon would write it but the feeling when the relationship you have been honoured to become a temporary part of finds a new lease of life is a most rewarding experience.

 

Never be afraid to learn a new dance with someone who has been special to you.

 Cheers

Pete Thompson

www.peterthompsoncounsellingservices.co.uk